Ending a relationship on good terms with an ex isn’t as easy as most people think. So, can staying friends with someone you once loved and shared dreams with actually be a good thing?
The thing is that on paper, having a friendly relationship with an ex may sound like a grown-up thing, something of a proof that what you shared mattered and that you are able to move on without feeling bitter that it ended. At the end of the day, that’s what maturity looks like, right?
However, if we ever make a decision to reach an ex, it usually comes with an expectation of how that possible meeting could unfold. Maybe it will start with a friendly hug and then catching up on life, looking at what’s changed and what hasn’t. Or, you might quietly desire an apology, even if you’re not sure what you’d do with one.
To some, coffee with an ex really is just that. Truth is, however, that these sorts of meeting sometimes trigger feelings we thought we buried deep down.
This is one of the reasons why psychologists advise you to be clear-eyed about the real reason you’re trying to make contact in the first place.
These are some of the questions you should ask yourself before making a move and invite your ex over for coffee.
Consider Your Objective
Before you even consider reaching out to an ex, make sure you know exactly what is the reason behind the decision. Imagine that someone you love is thinking of making the same thing and see how you’d react to their decision and then apply the same advice you’d give to them to yourself.
Whether you want just friendship or maybe a reconciliation, be honest with yourself and make sure you don’t send mixed messages.
Has Enough Time Passed?
When we go through a breakup, we need time to heal, and that’s perfectly fine. So if we believe the time has come to be friends with our ex, we need to make sure their happiness and their new life aren’t something that bothers us. Psychologists believe that reaching out to an ex is only fine if we feel genuinely glad about the way their life looks like after we called it quits.
Are You Hoping for More Than You Admit?
If you’re meeting with an ex on the premise that a visit will suddenly rekindle the relationship, you could be setting yourself up for heartbreak.
“Make sure that you have modest expectations,” Dr. Lash tells Bustle, “it’s easy to have irrational ideas of what one coffee date will accomplish, but managing those expectations is going to be the difference between being disappointed, and progressive.”
Are You Emotionally Prepared?
Seeking clarity by meeting an ex can backfire, Dr. Lash warns, because reopening that door may confirm your worst fears. And even if discuss anything heavy, seeing someone you once shared intimacy with can still hurt.
If not being able to kiss or touch them is going to be painful, maybe skip the meet-up entirely.
Is One Coffee All You Need?
Before even proposing a quick catch-up over coffee, make sure it’s really all you want. If you go to that meeting with higher expectations and you ex really keeps things short and grounded, you may experience disappointment.
Are You Looking For Answers?
After a breakup, our mind needs time for things to settle, and reaching out to an ex after enough time has passed will leave us with a fresh perspective about our relationship and why things turned out the way they did. So, trying to have that coffee with your ex can actually mean trying to get answers and a disclosure.
If you do have questions, be upfront about that when you reach out. Don’t blindside your ex with an interrogation and allow them the option to opt out if they’re not comfortable going over the relationship in public.
Are You Keeping Tabs?
It’s always worth asking yourself why you want to meet up with an ex. Are you contacting them for a genuine “I hope you’re well!” or are you trying to fill in the blanks about what they’ve been up to? It’s natural to be curious, but if friendship is simply about hanging on to emotional intimacy, postponing the meetup could do you some good. Pretty often, your gut already knows what you’re looking for.
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Love and Peace
